Why "From the Passenger Seat"?

If i could visit me 6 years ago, 4 years ago, 2 years ago, 1 year ago, 6 months ago.. what would I say to me? I would scream “stay in the Passenger Seat!”

The best way I can describe my last 6 years (56 actually😉)is this…. Imagine you have to make a long road trip.. you don’t want to go, but you have no choice…You can take a 4 lane highway, 2 lane road or a dirt trail. You could travel in a Range Rover, a 1985 Manual Nissan Sentra with a/c but no electric windows or seats or a wrecked 1970 pinto with bad brakes, no a/c and taped up windows…. Do you drive? Have a chauffeur? hitchhike? 4-lane highway in the Range Rover with a driver, duh! Great highway, exits with all you need, luxury car and you get to chill in the Passenger Seat, enjoying the journey.. easy and final answer!

Well.. hear me out...I set out on my Grief journey that way.. A chauffeur was driving me, on a well planned out 4-lane highway and I was settled in the Passenger Seat.. I was buckled up, happy to not be having to navigating and blindly believing.. I acknowledged I was broken, hurting and knew there was no way I could drive myself anywhere. I visited with my driver about the journey, asked lots of questions and had faith that I would make it to my new destination safely and somehow, put back together. The windshield in front of me was big, and only had a few bugs scattered on it, but they quickly could be cleared off with a little wiper fluid…But as we traveled, I got focused on my surroundings, distracted by some exit offerings, stopped chatting with my driver, questioned some routes we were taking, something in the side mirror kept catching my attention, I got anxious, scared and fearful and some how thought if maybe we switched to me driving, I might feel better about what was still ahead for me. I could choose to take some detours if they looked inviting and I had some “suggestions” about the path we were going down… I still was hurting so deeply, but knew i had begun to heal.. I had a sense of “ok, I’m figuring this new life out” and the rear view mirror gave me a better view of what I had left behind but still had such a strong hold on my attention ..Well, after getting out of the Passenger Seat, I got into the drivers seat of a manual shift Sentra without realizing it and quickly noticed, 2 of the road lanes were gone… I stressed more as I strained to see what was ahead. The windshield was cracked, not as clear to see out of, there were lots of bugs on it and the wiper blades were awful…Also, SO MUCH was behind me that I wasn’t ready to let go of, it had my full attention, it wouldn’t pass, and I went from glancing in the rear view mirror at it, to adjusting, rethinking it’s position and staring into it.. plus, I was exhausted from shifting gears… How was i ever going to get where I was now supposed to be? I longed for the Passenger Seat, I longed for my sense of feeling I was on my new path, but I kept driving myself, not asking for help or even suggestions for my journey ahead…I started to fear more, I struggled harder and slowly a darkness started engulfing me.. and I hurt so deep again…if only I could go back to my original starting point.. why did I have to leave it? As I struggled with the headlights to see through the darkness, keep my eyes focused ahead, a flicker of light showed me I had gradually turned my Sentra into a wrecked, beaten up pinto, was on a bumpy dirt trail, full of potholes and had gotten completely turned around, driving into what was supposed to be behind me and I was so lost… I had a yearning in my heart for anything better than this mode of transportation, but the constant ache in the depths of my being told me, there was nothing good ahead… all my JOY was behind me…my new destination that I once could envision and start to accept and was traveling towards with Faith and Belief, no longer looked inviting… I had no Hope of reaching it.. I just wanted to go back to my starting point or better yet, just quit and stop all together. How did this happen? How did EVERYTHING go so wrong, so quickly? What happened? Why me? Why Colin?

How did I go from a Range Rover, with a driver to being on a dirt trail, turned around and broken down? Well…

it all started to unravel when I got out of the Passenger Seat…..

Here's the thing.....when Colin died, I prayed so hard and so much.. I touched base with God constantly… just show me Your will.. Hold me, get me through the next hour… I let God drive and buckle me into His Passenger Seat…. But then I stopped leaning on Him so much, I got a false sense of direction and security and I started to stumble.. but as I stumbled I didn’t pray more. I got frustrated, angry, fearful and started losing hope.. and yet still prayed less…I isolated myself, I threw myself completley into my work, and struggled..I struggled so badly and the light began to fade..and then, darkness and brokenness and hopelessness engulfed me. There was no hope, I had gone from my forever home with hopes and dreams to a little, 3rd floor apartment with very little joy… but then, in the middle of the night I began to pray… pray like in the beginning.. begging for help… And you know what? Help showed up… in a shiny new Range Rover… I got in, let God buckle me up and we are back on our way… Him driving, Him navigating, Him choosing the exits and routes.. I’m not sure exactly where we are going, still don’t understand why Colin had to die or what adventures lie ahead, but so far I’m only glancing in my side mirror, the bugs are slightly scattered about and the view is pretty great from the Passenger Seat….Please get or stay in your passenger seat and let God buckle you up, it's a much smoother ride, so full of JOY and SO worth it, I promise you that!